Gin & Juice Blues

Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Overburdened - Disturbed


It’s Hump Day.



Shouldn’t you be doing something, someone or yourself?

I'm Not Some Stupid Chick That Sings

“I’m still in love with the romance of rock ‘n roll ~ Shirley Manson”

Flaming Vocal Lust

I’m so excited about this you just can’t even imagine … when I think about it I vibrate. In two days, I’ll be picking up tickets to Audioslave/Seether. My god. Chris Cornell AND Shaun Morgan oh Creator give me strength to stand. There are probably quite a few of you brats out there who are gearing up to tease me and that’s fine. Look at his beautiful face and tell me I don’t have a reason to feel twitchy. Yup. Twitchytwitterflusterfucked.

This is so bad. Hes absofuckinglutely beautiful with long hair, short hair, no hair… I don’t even care where I am – as long as I’m in the same building and can hear him right then and there. That’s a lie. I want to buy a ticket to sit on his lap pantyless while he sings to me but I doubt I have enough coin for that. Anyone wanna contribute to the “Get Stacey on Chris Cornell’s Lap” fund? Didn’t think so. Can’t really blame me for trying.

I want to dance naked for that man.

This is the newest e-mail I received informing me of my upcoming GREAT fortune. Tickets are on sale EARLY for none other than me and I didn’t have to sleep with anyone either. Ha! That’s good too… I need to have all my energy and be ready for when he spots me and wants me to run away with him. Shup. They’re my delusions.

From: 99.3 The Fox
Sent: Monday, August 29, 2005 8:16 AM
To: Stacey ******
Subject: FOXFEST with AUDIOSLAVE Presale

AUDIOSLAVE

with guests SEETHER

Thursday September 29th

GENERAL MOTORS PLACE
DOORS 6:00 pm SHOW 7:00 pm

**GENERAL ADMISSION FLOOR / RESERVED STANDS**

Tickets: $39.50 & 49.50 + s/c
Click HERE
The password is NOTFORYOUFUCKERS (I’m not telling… I signed up for this reason exactly!)

Presale runs from Wednesday August 31st at 10:00 a.m until Thursday September 1st at 10:00 pm.

Tickets on sale to the public Friday September 2nd at 10:00am

For those of you who are insanely in love with Shirley Manson (and who isn’t?) she’ll be in Vancouver tomorrow at the Commodore Ballroom with Garbage. I will not be attending that sold out show (Boo me!) BUT I will be listening to CFOX tomorrow around four o’clock pm as she’ll be in the studio to give an interview.

Gotta go upload some music to my mp3 player so I can continue on my Chris Cornell high. hehe You think I’m done? Hell no… I still have to get through Shaun Morgan as well so you’ll be inundated with my hormones again soon enough.

Orange Moral Code Breaker

Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Everybody Wants You - Billy Squier

When Dad, Junior and two of the miniDemons came home from grabbing pizza for dinner DemonSpawn#3, Jade, came flying into the house holding an empty cigarette pack laughing like a hyena. The three of us left at home were waiting expectantly for her to get her shit together. She did not fail to entertain.


She holds an empty cigarette pack up to us and laughingly says, "Do you know why this smoke is bent and what it means?" I DO know why the smoke is bent and what it means and I'm dreading her telling the two male DemonSpawn sitting down next to me. She loudly and full of giggles recites, 'Cigarettes may cause SEXUAL IMPOTENCE due to decreased blood flow to the PENIS. This can prevent you from having an ERECTION.'


DemonSpawn#3 then points to the bent cigarette picture screeching, "IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A PENIS!!" and laughs so hard I think her jeans are going to burst. The boys don't believe her and are looking a bit unsure if what she's read to them is true. DemonSpawn#2 thinks for a few seconds and then says certainly, "I'm never going to smoke cuz I don't ever want THAT problem."

I'm a member of the female species and I'm not too keen on sharing that problem either.

Pink Love Bites

Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Pooploser - Mudvayne

Gardening is not my strong suit. I have absolutely no house plants because I’ve murdered them all. Our garden in our backyard had become this overgrown mass of thriving pretty colourful weeds. As they’re starting to fade the huge giant brown patch of death is becoming less and less attractive. Destruction is always fun so I tromped outside with shovel in hand yesterday to rid the yard of weeds.

It was a mini insect city with ghettos ‘n everything! Off in one corner monopolizing this horrid ivy thing strangling these tall weeds with thorns was the Spider Tenement. Not one type of spider but at least three. At one point I had close to ten spiders crawling all over me which was tickle-ee feeling and not that uncomfortable at all.

Off to the right setting up home in the grape leaves was Snail Estates. Shit loads of ‘em! It was crazy. Towards the front was the LadyBug Hotel which seemed to host all the drive-by nomadic bugs. Completely fascinating… I swear.

When it was all said and done, the garden looked much nicer but I felt awful! I just evicted hundreds of bugs with no notice… no warning at all. I bet they’re pissed off too with plans of revenge.

Could you imagine being abducted by pissed off insects and arachnids?

That would suck balls.

Flaming Pain

Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Couldn't Stand The Weather - SRV

I’m so not cool. I’m such a dork. I do such dumb stuff where I end up looking abused.

I went for a smoke break (yes I’m still smoking – shup) this morning, brought out my headphones so I could have my zone moment and get myself back on a focused happy track. The tunes are groovin in my ears, I’ve got a good bounce going and I’m feeling loads better already. Then I spot HER out of the corner of my eye. There’s no dislike for this woman, just a desire to avoid her loud chattiness while my vibe is returning.

In my brilliance I figure I’ll hide in the back of the OPEN Jeep. I’m mildly panicked with the fear of talking with her looming ahead but I figure it to be a great plan regardless. There’s nothing like behaving like a five year old to instil respect from your peers. As I’m trying to casually maneuver myself into a non existent trunk area and avoid burning myself AND keep my tunage attached to my head…

WHAM!!

I bashed my fucking elbow hard into some evil metal corner with a thrill to maim AND the woman I had been trying to avoid walked up to the vehicle. I was trying so hard to act nonchalant, as if it’s normal behaviour to try squishing into a teeny OPEN compartment while smoking and SOBER. Rubbing it and rocking back and forth was a tip off I’m sure but the chatty woman acted as if she hadn’t noticed. (At least she has manners, unlike me) There were no tears although I really wanted to cry and scream “FUCK OW OW FUCK SHIT FUCK OW OW OW!!”

Such a doofus…

My elbow has a big goose egg on it and it’s already starting to turn a fascinating shade of purple-ish blue.

I gotta go. =)

Harry who?

Night Fuckers. Sleep sweet and pervy dreams.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson

I’m completely unavailable and engrossed in Harry Potter. I’ve also plugged MITCH HEDBERG into my mp3 player to fall asleep with. I really really miss him and that’s so weird but his comedy is my comedy. You know what I mean? Check out him instead. He’s far funnier than I can ever hope to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny Shit That Makes Me Laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*** I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry ’cause I like loud music… so when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say “Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there’s nothin’. It’s just flat.”

*** I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut – I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? “Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file… under ‘D’, for doughnut.”

*** It’s weird.. people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

*** Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

*** Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got, motherfucker, this thing is useful… I’m gonna go pick something up.”

*** My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

*** I wrote a letter to my dad — I wanted to write, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really”. But I still wanted to use it, I didn’t want to cross it out, so I wrote, “I rarely… drive steamboats, Dad — there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away … Hello, dad…

*** I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Zipp.. “Fuck you.”

*** I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don’t like to take food from him if it is in threes. “He has three apples left … I guess I can’t have one.”

*** I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You’d have to run like a motherfucker.

*** If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

*** My friend said to me “Man, this weather is trippy.” I said to him, “No man, it’s not the weather that is trippy, perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy…” then I thought, man, I should have just said, ‘yeah’ …

*** I went to a friend’s house, he said “You have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity, got me again. You know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.

*** I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said “No, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight… if it’s nine, fuck it, bag em’ up!”

*** When it comes to racism, some people say “I don’t care if they are black, white, purple or green”. Ah, hold on now… purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocatin’… then, help ‘em!

Oranges and Oranges

Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Bonecracker - Shocore

Came home to chill with my DemonSpawn JadeBaby specifically today. She’s growing up so quickly, it just seems to happen overnight. When I got home I crawled into bed with her (lucky shit sleeping til noon) and she still feels like she did when she was 3 months old. I made her the breakfast she requested… Frosted Flakes and fruit.

Daniel gave the kids money and they fucked off to the dollar store. So much for mother/daughter bonding. I was tossed over for dollar store crap! Ah well, it’s not as if I didn’t know her growing up wasn’t coming.

This DemonSpawn will be the one to travel the world. I’ve known I’ve been on borrowed time with her since she was four years old.

Jade still has her tight little fists wrapped around that damn Harry Potter book and she’s sitting over there… reading it… looking engrossed… completely involved with whatever’s happening… damn evil little spawn…

Blueberry Pie

Shit I Thought Was Cool Today

DemonSpawn#4, Brody, regaled us at dinner with the exact breakdown of what the different colours of Jedi and Sith light sabers are and definitions of who is what and why. Which stand where in the Jedi Council etc. I almost cried at the pure, nerdy, perfection of the child.

This boy will be the one who can afford to hide my drooling, pissy, rank ass in a senior’s home when I’m old.

It Begins And Begins

Tunes I WAS Groovin' To : Diamonds and Guns – Transplants

Tunes I’m Groovin' To : The Bucket – Kings of Leon

Today was the last day of school for three of my offspring which means it is REPORT CARD DAY!!

What a happy day for me. Jade brought home A’s straight down the line, Dylan is B’s and C+’s which is up from last term and Brody brought in A’s and B’s which is also the same as last term.

Whose fucking kids are these?? Around the house, these kids are continually acting like they’ve fallen off a chicken truck, feathers flying, wings flapping, squawking and clucking. The hubby and I are convinced we qualify for a ‘Special Parking’ permit these kids act so retarded.

Now that summer vacation has officially begun I can begin my stretch of worrying whether or not these kids are beating each other and getting blood on my beige carpet.

On that note… sleep sweet, Fuckers.

A Skipping Record

Tunes I’m Groovin' To : Loser – 3 Doors Down

I say this all the time so I’m sure I sound like a skipping record. (A big vinyl black flat disc for all you youngsters popping in.) My kids are fucking hilarious!!

Yeah, that’s the repetitive part. I know I’ve been gushing about them lately but it’s pretty rare I like pre-teens and teens these days so I have to share when it’s good. It’s been pretty good. Go figure. I guess the moon is in alignment and the hormones have settled.

This is my new favourite moment:

Brody comes to me in the kitchen yesterday afternoon to inform me of his new powers. Taking my left hand, turning it palm up he says to me “Mom, I’m psychic. I see that you will be giving me a glass of pop in the future.”

I turn away because all I want to do is laugh and I can’t. If he can keep a straight face, then I can keep a straight face.

I turn my attention back to Brody and say to him “Brody, you may be psychic, but I’m a Jedi. ~hand gesture~ You don’t want pop. ~hand gesture~ You want to go to your room.”

We stare at each other for a bit before he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Once he cracked up it was all over for me. The little fuckers just don’t know how hilarious they really are.

I LOVE my life…

Graduation Day

Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Sweet Child 'O Mine - Guns 'n Roses

My babies graduated seventh grade today and all these crazy memories and visuals were click click clicking through my brain rapid speed. One minute I'm seeing them as they are this very minute and the next I'm seeing Jade when she was a teeny tiny squid of a baby and Dylan about four years old laying in the sand intently watching the world go by.

It's fucked up how much I crazy love my offspring.

My kids were getting ready this morning for their ceremony marking the next passage of their lives. What a sight to see. The excitement showed in their faces, the knowing they were on to bigger, better things. It was fantastic! Daniel took the boy out early this morning and then for a sharp haircut. A Father-Son ritual which gave me the opportunity to have the Mother-Daughter ritual with my girl.

We did last minute alterations to her dress, hair, make-up, jewellry and nails. She's always beautiful but this morning, she was stunning. She was glowing and she smiled from her eyes and her spirit looked happy. Compared to all the little girl sheep, dresses and hair the same, Jade is definately an original NDN Princess bohemian spirit. I don't know why I never truly realized that before. Maybe I did and forgot? I wish I had her style though.

Dylan was so handome in a blue plaid short sleeve shirt and nice khaki shorts with his new 'do. He looked pretty darn snazzy. Handsome like Dad in a cleaned up thugtastic kinda way. The ceremony itself was a lame elementary school production which meant it was done with love and innocence. Yup, it was perfect. I saw my daughter entering the gym and I immediately started crying with Daniel's tears close behind. Dylan, the little cutie, also brought on a flood of tears which kinda irked me since I had just composed myself from the first kid.  The awards had us all hooting and hollering like a group of lunatics but I know the kids loved it. (They told us so. :P) Jade won the Citizenship Award and Second Place for the Math Award. (I don't know who's womb she came from. Math+Stacey=Dumbshit) She was pissed she lost out on the Academic Award. She let her science grade fall by two percent and now she's beating herself up about it. Silly little thing. I thought Dylan would've won the Athletic Award since he's a little brick shithouse but he lost out to Samson. Little bastard. hahaha!!!

I am so proud of them for a myriad of reasons. Of whom they were. Who they are. Who they'll become. I'm honoured the Creator granted us the trust and privileged of being their parents. What a fantastic day. That's far too many in a row. I'm truly blessed.

 

Grown men can learn from very little children for the hearts of the little children are pure. Therefore, the Creator may show to them many things which older people miss. -- Black Elk --

Do The Titles Really Matter?

Tunes I’m Groovin' To : Remedy – Seether

I have one more rant before I take my ass to bed. Sometimes, when I let them, the women at work make me feel like this:

I’ve been scrawny forever. I’m straight up and down like a stickbug, with scrawny little chicken wings and chicken legs. I have no ass. I have no tits. I don’t exercise. I eat McDonald’s three times a week. I have no comprehension of carbs, proteins and Atkin’s diet. I eat salad because I like it doused in thousand island dressing and big fat crouton’s. Nope. No need to dip the one piece of lettuce into a teeny side dish of dressing. In fact, I could drink the dressing like a can of Pepsi and you wouldn’t notice. I don’t take the stairs. I always use the elevator. Even if it’s only for one floor. I don’t run. I don’t jog. I don’t even think about those two things and myself in the same thought.

Ask me if I ever eat. Ask me what I eat. Ask me how I can eat what I eat. Because… that’s not fucking rude at all. Not ALL skinny people shove their fingers down their throat or refuse to be fed unless it’s via IV. Do you really think BONES is a compliment?? Don’t try and give me your self image issues for something I have no control over. Dummies.

Some of us are born this way and no matter how hard we try, we don’t get bigger. I’m not apologizing for looking like a toboggan leaning against a wall.

I’m going to go eat a bag of cookies and drink a can of Pepsi right before bed. I might even sneak one of the kids chocolate pudding snacks.

You asked. Night, Fuckers.

I'm A Brat

Tunes I’m Groovin’ To : Butcher Blues – Kasabian

Is Father’s Day over yet?

I wanna get back to it being all about ME at some point. Mwahahahaha!!!!!

Still Laughing

Tunes I’m Groovin' To : All Used Up – Sloane

I just heard the funniest thing coming down the hall from the bathroom. Seriously, I can’t stop laughing. What do I always say? These offspring crack me the fuck up.

Dylan: Whoa… check this out.

Sarah: Ew, is that dirt?

Dylan: No, it’s hair.

Jade: There’s only like… three!

Dylan: It’s still somethin’.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

OMG…. this just in!

Dylan: I got a pimple! Fricken grossssss.

Sarah: It’s not a pimple, it’s dirt.

Sarah must think Dylan is PigPen from Peanuts comics since dirt is her answer to everything.

They’re a riot, dammit!! ha!

I love my life…

let's go crazy

if u dont like

the world youre living in

take a look around u

at least u got friends

u see i called my old lady

4 a friendly word

she picked up the phone

dropped it on the floor

sex sex is all i heard

are we gonna let de elevatorbring us down

oh no lets go

lets go crazy

lets get nuts

lets look 4 the purple banana

til they put us in the truck lets go

What's The Difference...

… between kinky and perverted?


Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriends ass with a feather.

Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

Lettin' It Ride

It was a Saturday night last summer and we had just moved into our new house. The DemonSpawn are watching a movie in the living room and the hubby and I are in our bedroom playing PS2 waiting for our turn with the TV. It had been a hectic day and being able to chill on my bed, playing a game was really nice. I only had an hour or two before the kids went to bed and I could spark one up. I was feeling good. Relaxed.

We hear one of the DemonSpawn holler from the living room “There’s something wrong with the dog!!”

We come running out of the bedroom to see her projectile crap all over the new off-white carpet at the top of the stairs.

It was awful. Her poor little puppy face was looking at us as if to say, “I’m sick! I’m sorry!” Sarah jumps up to let Shenkah outside. The cat then sneaks out (which is a no-no) so Sarah’s off and running chasing a cat.

The hubby had grabbed a towel and proceeded to start heaving into it which set off a chain reaction. Jade ran into the bathroom to puke, Brody and Dylan (or so I thought) hit the kitchen to use the double sinks.

That left me to clean a 2 foot around spray of liquid dog shit. I’m on my hands and knees alternately cleaning and gagging and I’m wondering, “Where the fuck is everyone?” It was probably only 5 minutes at the most but it felt as if I was alone, scrubbing and retching for 5 hours. My eyes are watering (to be honest I was kinda crying) and I’m feeling pitiful and neglected… I sob, “Sometimes I hate my life.” I felt as if this was done just to fuck up the rest of my crazy day. What else can go wrong? Is Murphy’s Law so far up my ass I’ll never ever shit it out??

I hear a giggle. Then a laugh. Dylan starts laughing so hard and can’t stop. He’s hiding on the couch amid the cushions and he just keeps saying, “Sometimes… you hate your life.” Laughing. I’m sitting there amid butt vomit trying not to hurl and cry and my son is laughing hysterically at my pain! My stunny look doesn’t leave for a second. I’m slowly registering the scene – almost leaving my body to see the absurdity of the situation. The rest of the DemonSpawn straggle in from their various safe zones, one carrying the elusive Houdini cat, confused as to Dylan’s hysterics on the couch but laughing with him. My hubby comes out of our bathroom with a towel wrapped around his face – looking like a bandit to avoid the stench and that does it for me. I end up laughing along with everyone else. Now, no matter how bad a situation is, I try to see the humour in it.

It can’t really be as bad as scrubbing runny dog shit out of a new almost white carpet, now can it?

Kids Are Funny

My eleven year old son cracks me up. He’s never too shy to say what he’s thinking.

Brody: Mom, remember at Christmas when you said you were the ‘Master MasterBaster’ when you were basting the turkey?

Me: Yup.

Brody: I finally get the joke… you know… like Masturbater.

Me: Well, good.