Tunes I'm Groovin' To : Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson
I’m completely unavailable and engrossed in Harry Potter. I’ve also plugged MITCH HEDBERG into my mp3 player to fall asleep with. I really really miss him and that’s so weird but his comedy is my comedy. You know what I mean? Check out him instead. He’s far funnier than I can ever hope to be.
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Funny Shit That Makes Me Laugh
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*** I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry ’cause I like loud music… so when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say “Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there’s nothin’. It’s just flat.”
*** I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut – I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? “Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file… under ‘D’, for doughnut.”
*** It’s weird.. people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
*** Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
*** Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got, motherfucker, this thing is useful… I’m gonna go pick something up.”
*** My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
*** I wrote a letter to my dad — I wanted to write, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really”. But I still wanted to use it, I didn’t want to cross it out, so I wrote, “I rarely… drive steamboats, Dad — there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away … Hello, dad…
*** I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Zipp.. “Fuck you.”
*** I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don’t like to take food from him if it is in threes. “He has three apples left … I guess I can’t have one.”
*** I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You’d have to run like a motherfucker.
*** If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
*** My friend said to me “Man, this weather is trippy.” I said to him, “No man, it’s not the weather that is trippy, perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy…” then I thought, man, I should have just said, ‘yeah’ …
*** I went to a friend’s house, he said “You have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity, got me again. You know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.
*** I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said “No, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight… if it’s nine, fuck it, bag em’ up!”
*** When it comes to racism, some people say “I don’t care if they are black, white, purple or green”. Ah, hold on now… purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocatin’… then, help ‘em!